if you are one of those people like me who actually read the mood and so on and on, (i bet you just looked at it right now if you didn't already before) you might be wondering why exactly i am feeling homicidal. well, you see, earlier my cousin showed me some new webkinz he bought and there was some confusion as to it's name (trunkie(y?) i thought he said drunkie though) anyways, he placed it on my laptop which at the moment was irritating the crap out of me and i brushed trunkie (its an elephant if you were wondering) aside and my cousin crossed a "do this and i will kill you unless you are so very, very lucky" line. you don't cross those lines, you just don't. what did he do you ask? well, he hit me on the head (no it didn't hurt, but its not about how much it hurts, its that you did it). so i grabbed trunkie and M was like "give him back" (i wish he had come at me, it would've given me an excuse to take him down and not get in big trouble) and i said "i'll give him back when you promise you will not hit me on the head ever again" (obviously he plans to hurt me one day because he refused to say it) then he grabbed the damn elephant (to give you a better understanding, i was sitting on the sofa and he was standing behind the sofa, behind me) and crouched down behind the sofa pulling my arms and trunkie over with him, needless to say, the headboard hurt my arms a lot and i w in no position to maneuver myself into a better place, and he got trunkie out of my hands. then he rushed upstairs. and the rich thing is, when susan was like "whats up with you" to him, after i explained what happened he yelled down "she has no respect for my stuff". i find this ironic because just months ago, he had been tossing stuff in my room around whenever he got mad at me (aka, disrespecting my stuff) and i have always never entered his room without his or my aunts permission and rarely touched anything of his. oh, it just occurred to me most of you don't know why its a line that ought not be cosset, or even a line at all. the reason is (the reason i flinch almost all the time, and really hate people even touching my head (i am fine with some people doing it, but for most thats like them signing their death sentence) let alone hitting it, even gently) that from when i was, i'd say in preschool if not before to when i was in kindergarten (it only stopped because my mom and i ran away in kindergarten) my dad used to hit me on the head, so hard in fact, that for weeks after, i wouldn't be able to even touch a hair over the area where he hit me without extreme pain, which made it difficult to wash said hair. it was so bad in fact, that my brain has blocked any memory of those happenings i had, i only remember before and after, but not any from when he actually hit me. plus over the years my mom would slap me everyone in a while, more so after my dad was arrested. so yeah, thats why its a huge line that can't be crossed, and when someone does cross it, well, its not something i can easily forgive, if at all. i know its probably uber melodramatic of me or whatever, but the effects of that time have affected my entire life, even years later that does, but now along with what happened more recently (the sexual abuse if you remember). so yeah, thats how that goes.
so, april 15th. That was fun. i didn't completely shut down, but emotions were definitely dampened, a lot. and i did cry, twice. the first time in 1st period when my idiot teacher (i'm just being petty i don't actually mean that) turned off the lights for a video, pretty much as soon as that happened, tears began streaming down my face. the second time was at like 11pm, almost midnight. aaaaand i also made some new (ahem) marks (okay, okay, a lot) on my arms and stomach. they're still healing, but they will disappear soon, unfortunately without a single mark or blemish (that should be good, but for whatever reason i want and almost need them, but i am glad to know from my inpatient days that i' m not the only one)
i keep getting these….. almost hot flashes, but not because highschoolers aren't supposed to be menopausal. ANYWAYS, hehe, i have been randomly getting so unbearably hot for periods of time that having clothes on is so uncomfortable (no, i don't strip down, i say this for the pervs who are undoubtably reading) and a fan doesn't help. and it gets worse at night time, i can't stand having a single sheet over me it makes me unbearably hot during those lengths of time. i don't do well with heat, it makes me feel dizzy, and its really hard to breathe and a whole lot of other crappy stuff happens when i get too hot. so this, whatever it is, is making life a little more difficult.
hey i didn't mention this last time but guess who's a failure, again, yep thats right me! yep, next year i am taking regular biology and regular english because being as depressed as i am its REALLY REALLY hard to convince myself to do homework. which, for science, is a blow, but not nearly as huge a one as for english, because i find this accelerated class too easy, and i ace every single test with a 95 or higher, not one (except for the verbs and nouns and adverbs and stuff one) has been lower. not to mention, i am so on top of those vocal words which used to be so difficult, probably because no one is asking me to remember 40 for a year but rather less than thirty for a week at a time. damn homework.
so that's it for this week i guess, though i might be on sooner to tell you all about how (sarcastically) great easter was for the non-religious person (me) who gets to spend time at a presbyterian church from 6 am to 1 pm (yaaaaay…..no) AAAAAAND i have to wear pants, i can't even wear black jeans, because jeans have been forbidden tomorrow but at least no one is stuffing me in a dress.
till next time otherworlders