in soccer i mean, in soccer.
we started practice on monday and there were at least 8 freshmen, way more than last year, and there are also several newbies in other grades as well. and unlike last year, this year, enough girls showed up(40) that theres going to be cuts. And because of my incredible lack of ability in all things soccer despite the innumerable amount of years I've played, i will probably be one of those cuts unless theres more people with a lack of what is being looked for than i originally noticed. Doubtful though. And those cuts will most likely be made known on friday, because of a game on saturday. well I'm going to continue doing my best although i know i will most likely get the boot.
I've looked everywhere, i even turned my room upside-down looking for that portfolio with ALL of my drawings from when i first started to 8th grade, and i cannot find it anywhere. i remember having it here at my aunts house, but i haven't found it yet and theres no where else it could be since i never took it out of the house. and even then its odd for it to be anywhere other than in my room. I've been drawing a little more lately, I'm hoping i will be able to return to it as i once did, because although its been a bit of a struggle to do it, its all i can think about, drawing. quite weird, I'd say.
homelife is okay, to be honest, i can complain all i want but really I'm lucky to be here right? i don't have to worry about someone abusing me in some way, or torturing me with spiders for their entertainment, or demanding mindless, immediate obedience.. oh wait, i take that last one back. so what if I'm now being choked by rules and rules, so what if i get yelled at for "ruining everything" when I've done nothing. so what if whats expected of me is that i should be a normal teenager now but oh wait no don't do that. so what if they expect that because i don't live with my parents anymore that all of that stuff shouldn't be affecting me anymore. but it does, and it always will. and again, so what? no one cared about me before, so why should these newer people in my life care now?
yesterday i sat down in the car and oh my gawd there was a spider at eye level and my neck and face was partially encased in its spiderweb, the day before i thought id felt strands but i hoped i was just imagining things, nope. so what happens? my body, remembering much more of the spider torture than i consciously do, immediately goes into full panic mode and I'm sitting there freaking out, i wasn't screaming or anything it just looked like i was having a miniature seizure or something. my aunt freaks out seeing me freak out but somehow magically doesn't see the spider right between us sitting on its web. i manage to get the car door open in my panic (she hadn't even started the car yet) and jump out. at this point I'm near tears and trying not to cry and trying not to scratch my face off by trying to get the strands of web i can still feel off my face. and then, my aunt yelled at me for freaking out like i did it on purpose to piss her off. i don't understand how she can accept my cousin needing to be held down by several people to get a needle in him screaming and crying all the while simply because of memories from when he was an INFANT and was having small seizures and needed blood testing, but cannot comprehend why my being done things to with spiders can cause such a great uncontrollable fear in me. how the heck does that work?
but hey, i don't live with my parents anymore and they didn't have to take me in (most likely they felt it was their presbyterian duty to god or something) and yes, i am grateful for that, but that doesn't mean i have to kowtow to everything, which i know if i did give in and do that, i would be living life just like i did with my parents; immediate obedience and total submissiveness, which is kinda why i have difficulties functioning in society so no thank you. its been over a year and i still struggle severely with people asking me what i want. like hey "do you prefer this or this" or "do you want to do this or this" i can't answer questions like that, i try, but it just ends up with me unable to complete a full sentence because i am accustomed to "do this" not "do you want to do this" and living with my aunt, thats what I'm supposed to learn. and i can't if i revert to the way i was trained.
sorry its been a couple weeks since i last updated, not like it really matters anyhow, i doubt many even read these.
bai till next time.