alright, I'm officially gonna be on more often

yep, you heard right folks, its been awhile but I'm now gonna find time to be on at least once a week. i would be on everyday but school computers (we got laptops from the school for school use) categorize DA as adult art so i can't  

so, i think i figured something out. it was a thought i had today as i was big time suffering (lucky I'm a wall flower otherwise someone would've noticed) in science class. those of you who have been following my journals know that living with my parents was pretty rough, mentally and when i was younger, physically. not to mention, living at my grandpa's wasn't much better (courtesy of "duh duh dunnnn" Glynda). and its all taken a huge toll on me, well, living with my aunt, its a hugely better environment, but its still ridiculously hard. Anyway, the thought kinda went like this. all these things I've been through, its like a cancer they haven't found a cure for, it spreads insanely quickly without any sort of medication (aka living with parents and Glynda). and though there aren't any cures, there are medications to slow down the spreading or maintain the level its at (living with my aunt). that is to say, while my, i suppose theres nothing better to call it other than insanity (if you can think of something better lemme know please), so while my insanity was getting worse at an alarming rate with them, its slowed down now that i live in a more normal environment, but it hasn't stopped or gotten better, it just slowly and steadily gets worse, and sometimes it speeds up for a while, driving me crazy. wow, a long paragraph for a short-ish thought :/ i never learn. 

seven more days, just seven, until i miss Reina's 2nd birthday, which doesn't help the aforementioned insanity. it was really painful, to miss her first, but now its her second as well, it hurts to know the birthdays will be piling up, hurts to know i will probably never see them again. i was a total mess even a month before Cricket's 5th birthday, and i was a mess for weeks after. but strangely on the day, i felt absolutely nothing. i don't try to shut down, but it happens a lot. anyway, i cry whenever i think of them, especially Reina, because i missed her walking, i missed her first 2 teeth growing in, but I'm missing Cricket learning how to tie her shoes, i'm missing a lot, with both of them. and i absolutely hate that my mother gets to see all of it, when she doesn't even care. and i hate even more that its her who gets to raise them when she does a really freaking crappy job of it, not to mention there's her habit of slapping when she doesn't get her way.

did i ever mention that i am just sick of everything? i mean i have been, for a long time. and little does anyone know that i've given up. i don't know why i even bother acting, lying, pretending, or even smiling or talking anymore. sometimes i just go mute for an entire day or so, because i'm just tired. ya know? all i ever think about nowadays is cutting, starving, dying. but i still don't want to take meds, not only do most do absolutely nothing, not even a little (except prozac, that just makes me change moods even quicker than i already do without it) but i don't want to feel happy or whatever and have it be fake, forced by medicine. my pain just keeps getting worse, both the mental and physical. everyday it just gets worse. at this point, the physical pain i feel would make anyone else non functioning, but i don't say a word, and when i do, no one believes me because i don't show the pain. but why bother, most of the time it would just be an act, because pain is my best friend, i'm used to pain, its the only reliable thing in my life, that and the 2 people i know for sure are my friends, K and L. yep thats right, it went up one but pain is the only on who's stuck by me my entire life, that will probably never release me. 

i don't know how some of you put up with all these words, but thanks for making it to the end see ya sometime in the next week, bai